Tuesday, 15 February 2011

To the most special person in my life

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life.  Letting myself get so scared of something that is at worst uncomfortable.  Being so stupid and bored that I did something that got me arrested.  Not pushing myself forward at school, with schoolwork, sports or socially.  Wasting my time studying subjects I shouldn’t have started.  Wasting my time at university. 

All of these things have led up to something that I would never, ever call a mistake.  That was meeting you.  There’s a line going from the first mistakes right through all the ones in the middle to the last and I’ve regretted them all in some way in the past, until I realized that if it wasn’t for them I might never have met you, and that would have been the real tragedy because I never knew I could feel this way about anybody until I felt this way about you.  If just one thing had been different before this, then it might never have happened. 

It’s the mistakes I’ve made since then that I regret now.  I’ve messed everything up by thinking I could live on lots of different fronts and balance them all at the same time instead of setting priorities.  I took a lot of things for granted that I probably shouldn’t have and it affected both of us badly.  This is the bit now where words start to fall badly short.  I don’t really know how to say it so it means what I want it to.  I really am sorry if I hurt you in any way.  I’d never mean to hurt you.  I gave my heart and soul to you and now they belong to you, and I’m only half a person without you in my life. 

You’ve always been the most important thing in my life but I didn’t know what that really meant.  Now I do.  I’ve never known anyone like you and I never will again.  I was never as happy as when I was talking to you.  No matter what had happened, everything was better as soon as we talked.  I know that I can be that for you too.  I know that I was wrong and that I was an arsehole.  I wish I could have seen it then so I could have done something about it.  I know I’m a better person than I showed.  I wish I could prove that I’m the person you need me to be.  I love you so much and I want you back.

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